I'm just putting this on here before I submit it to the que on HPFF. It's already on Mibba, and I figured since I needed new stuff to put up here I would put my stories.
I remember a lot of things. All the Christmas parties, every heart break I've had, and every fight with my sister. I remember that horrible Halloween night when little Harry was left on Vernon and my's doorstep swaddled in a blanket. He was asleep then and Vernon does not know this, but I was so thankful that he lived. It was hard enough that my only sister died, but that we were on odd terms with each other.
I remember the day when Snape told her that she was a witch, and I was jealous. And then they started playing together, she left me behind to be with her new magical friend. I just wanted to be with my sister. I wanted the relationship that so many of my friends had with their sister. But mine was always gone half the year learning something I would never be able to do in my life. I was jealous and I hid it by pushing her away. I called her names, and was nasty to her.
Losing any bond I could have with Lily will always be my only regret. Truthfully, I never wanted to see her go on the train back to her school. Because it just reminded me how she was cooler than me. I was a child back then, and I rue it deeply.
Every Halloween at midnight while Vernon and Dudley are asleep I take out my picture of the two of us from after I got married. Vernon was on my side and that James Potter was on hers. She looked gorgeous that day. I was envious that I did not have her beautiful red hair, but blonde, and that I did not have her bright green eyes, but my blue ones. Lily was perfect.
And when I look at the picture there is an ache in my chest. One that I know only my baby sister can heal. But she was not here anymore. She left me. Lily left me on this damned earth. She left me without the safety of my sister's comforts. The only thing she left me was a boy who held no resemblance to her except her eyes. But that was enough. To see her caring eyes looking at me every so often. Sometimes I forget that it's Harry and not Lily because I would look at her eyes for so long.
I remember the day Lily was born, I was only four or so. I was sitting next to my mum on the hospital bed while she held the tiny baby who had yet to be named. Mum asked me to name her, and I immediately wanted my baby sister to have a name that was similar to mine. So I chose to name her after my favourite flower. She never knew that I named her.
When I am starring at old picture of her, I have to stop myself and close the book and throw it in my closet where I hope to never see it again. It hurts too much.
But I guess that is how it is. Life goes on and life stops and life starts. It was a tricky game, and no one could ever truly play the game while being safe. To live life you have to take risks. And Lily was a risk taker. I was too afraid to jump off the swings even.
Life is unfair, but that's how it goes. You win some, you lose some. But in that same way, it is fair.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I had done something differently. If I had not married Vernon, and if I was never jealous of Lily, but there were a lot of ifs. What if Lily was not magical, then she would never have met James Potter or known about Lord Voldemort. What if she still called me Tuney and would visit every week for tea. If she never had Harry. If I never wrote that letter to Professor Dumbledore. If I had forgiven her for something that she could not help. If I was the one that mum and dad gave attention to. But sitting around and wondering is not going to do anything in the world. And I know that. But I am too much of a coward to go out and fight for my family. For Harry, my last connection to my baby sister. And I hate that about myself.
I know it is not healthy to hate yourself, but sometimes. Sometimes I can't help it.
And after I finish my self pity, I miss my sister. I miss the way she smells. I miss her smile. Her long dark red hair. Her perfectly placed freckles. I miss her so bloody much that it is unbearable. So I just lock myself in Harry's room and look at the moving picture of Lily and James.
Vernon thinks I'm off my rocker on these days. And I begin to wonder what I had seen in him in the first place. But then I remember I had really only agreed to date him because I knew he would aggravate Lily. But then somewhere, he had won me over, I don't know how but he did.
But it's times like theses when I miss being able to say, "My name is Petunia Evans."
But when it came down to it, I hated Lily for the sheer fact that she left me. She promised me that she would always be there, and she broke it. And for that, I can never forgive her. She left me with the fact that my sister is gone and the only family I'm related to by blood that is left is as good as dead. I could spend up my life making excuses, just so no one can realize that it hurts me this much.
Leaving my home of twenty years because I could be killed while people looked for my nephew to kill him was one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced. I wish I could have told Harry, that I do love him, that Lily was the world to me, that just because we ended on odd terms did not mean that I loved the Potters any less. Harry was my soft spot. He had her eyes, and he was her in the form of a boy. He was selfless and kind, but witty and full of cheek. I wish that day had gone differently. I wish so much, that I could just stay a little longer and have a talk with Harry over tea. And when I look at him, I can picture I'm talking and making up with Lily.
I wanted to tell him I knew what he was facing. He was not the only one who lost something in Godric's Hollow that night, and everyone seems to forget that, I lost my only sister. My heart broke, because I did not have the courage to tell my own nephew how I felt. We were never that different after all.
At the end of the day, I want to run on top of a hill and just scream to get out all this pent up frustration. I just miss my sister. Despite any of my past sayings, I loved Lily with my whole heart.
I just wish I had something to turn back time, to go back to when Lily still called me Tuney. And I could stop myself from making all the wrong choices. And maybe Lily will be alive, but I know that it's just wishful thinking.
I just miss my baby sister, so much.